30 September 2005
posted by j at 9/30/2005 01:33:00 PM

For all those who know me, somewhat, tell me....supposing i were to quit my present job, what job can u best imagine me in? just outa curiosity and for future reference...heh.
 
27 September 2005
posted by j at 9/27/2005 07:47:00 PM

It's funny how everyone seems to be tired or having a bad time all at the same time. I've been feeling really tired. Really really tired. I look ard me, and everyone seems to be feeling the same. And suddenly i feel as if i dun have the right to complain anymore. And yet, when i try to give to those i feel need the comfort more, i end up feeling even more exhausted. It's like a never-ending battle. You know, i've come to the conclusion that when ppl feel THIS tired, it's never only about physical tiredness. I sincerely think that it would be a lot easier to be more joyful if it were just that, physical tiredness. It's when depression and emotional exhaustion sets in, that it really gets you down. And i think that these days, for most people, it's just that. Suddenly, i feel like the atmosphere around me these days...it's just...really, u know, depressing. Feel like i'm getting sucked in too.

Tuesdays are one of my hardest days. I've 6 periods of 35-minute lessons in a row. Consecutive. Anyone who has taught, would know that is NO JOKE. The same amount of time working at a normal 9-5 job would not quite have the same effect. Teaching requires twice the amount of energy because you have to deal with 40 in the classroom. The first day i did relief teaching, i collapsed on my bed after i got home and was knocked out for a solid 5 hour stretch. Today, after my 6-period marathon, i had another 3 straight hours of oral. Had to face 20 faces intent on putting me to sleep with their monotonous voices and ludicrous language abilities. If i weren't so tired and headachey, i might have found it close to hilarious. Left school close to 6pm, went straight home and slept like the dead.

It wasn't till i woke, did certain thoughts hit me. When they did, i wished they didn't. Because they made me feel depressed. My latest batch of students might just trigger me to quit my job. To pen down my exact thought process would take too long and would bore many. Just know that each generation gets worse than the previous, and this generation has succeeded in making my heart grow cold. 心寒.I cannot imagine having children of my own when i see each generation get worse than the other. What will i be putting my children through??

I stumbled upon the blogs of some of my own students, just before i left school today. Thought that it would make some easy, leisurely reading. But reading their blogs only made my head spin. The more i read, the more my thoughts blurred and whirled in my head, culminating in a dull ache and a desperate need to get into bed before my head exploded. I was unable to think clearly. I didn't even know what exactly i was thinking. I just want to rest my head. Too...many....things...

Sleep was good. Yet, it was as if a horror story had slowly unfolded itself in my subconscious mind while i was sleeping. I awoke to the sick feeling that often accompanies a horror story. I wondered if i'd ever accomplish the purpose i had in mind when i first set out to teach - to make a difference to someone else. I don't think i'm able to do that anymore. I seriously doubt i'll make a difference to anyone's life. Especially not to my bunch of students anymore. They're scary. They're like monsters who live in their own bubble. There's no one else in that world but themselves. Everything that goes wrong is someone else's fault. Vulgarities are part and parcel of their 13-yr-old life. When they get punished for any wrong they did, they can't see it. It's either the fault of whoever caused them to get caught, or the teacher who punished them. It's NEVER their fault. They're always right.

All that started me thinking. I'm not sure anymore if my being around will make any sort of difference to anyone. This whole 'evolution' is just too big and scary to handle. In fact, it's worse that i imagined. I feel the sudden need to detach myself from all this. Call it self-denial if you may. I'm upset to think that all these harmless creatures, some i used to think angels, are really all just monsters underneath it all. It's not that i think myself above them...it's just that....this is not what i imagined 13-yr-olds would be....at least not to this extent, and not at this age??? Isn't it way too bad too fast?? What would things be like 10, 20 years down the road? I really dread to think. Today, i also received news through email, about 2 sec one students caught with hickies on their necks... I dunno what to think anymore. What is happening??? I mean, while i know that the bible says all these things would happen, that generation after generation will get more depraved, i somehow did not imagine THIS to be it. Not with those so young anyway. *shudder*

At some point of time today, i actually felt...not just depressed....i felt, hopeless... and i wondered how God could look upon this world He created and not want to give us all up. How could He love people like us? How can He bear to watch the people He created in His image, go down the drain like that, and still hold out His promise of eternal life to such as us?? I just can't fathom it..I can't.

At another point of time today, i said to God,"God, pls just end the world now. I can't bear to see where we'd all be if we continued this way." If i'm only feeling a tiny fraction of the grief God feels when He looks upon us, then......i really dun wanna think what God must be feeling.

Where do i go from here?
 
23 September 2005
posted by j at 9/23/2005 09:43:00 AM

Ever seen a feline swim? Well now you can...bathing suit and all...





"Did THAT come from ME??"

Everyone has played a game of Cat and Mouse...but THIS brings a whole new meaning to it...



STICK 'EM UP!!



Anyone wants a hotdog??

 
posted by j at 9/23/2005 09:30:00 AM

Got these off a friend too... Soooo cute....


The kids start the day with Mom supervising breakfast.


Then off to school they go.



Everyone has an assigned seat in the classroom.


After resting up, they're ready for some fun.



Where's Waldo is their favorite game.


Before you know it, everyone is tired out.



When the kids get home from their busy school day, it's time for a bath.


Then they dry off before bedtime.

 
16 September 2005
posted by j at 9/16/2005 11:05:00 AM

I've finally met a person who makes people, including me, WANT to do stuff for him. This ability, it's almost like a power over ppl. Can u imagine ppl wanting to work for someone else, WILLINGLY? well, now i can. It's something i don't think i'll ever be able to do. To inspire others to want to work for my sake.

I'm truly amazed. He's my role model.
 
12 September 2005
posted by j at 9/12/2005 05:22:00 PM

Got these off H...these are my faves from the lot she passed on...Heh

Thanks H! For relieving me from my monday blues... =)





 
07 September 2005
posted by j at 9/07/2005 11:47:00 AM



This is a school we visited in Chiangmai. A school in the hills for the relatively poor folks.





Look at their artwork...think it must have been Mothers' Day for them not too long ago...



The children at work...I actually went into one of the classroom and attempted to teach them Maths in Thai. Was really difficult cos i din know how to say 'minus' and 'plus' in Thai....


Found their lessons a lil strange. The teacher wasn't in the classroom for one, she was outside talking to someone, and the kids were of varying ages and all doing different things/subjects.



Awww...Sooo cute...

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matt 19:14
 
posted by j at 9/07/2005 11:35:00 AM

I looked at my Teachers' Day cards/notes today, and i'm suddenly thankful. Fact is, i really do enjoy the interaction i have with my kids. I also find it strange how the students i taught in previous years never fail to greet me or joke around with with me(most of them anyway...but recently one of them ran away upon seeing me...hmm...i wonder why...), in spite of all the scoldings i've given them over the years. In fact, i've actually thrown many a tantrums in class over a number of issues...e.g. the cleanliness of the classroom, their behaviour and attitude, their bad results/work, undone work, talking in class...etc. A whole multitude of sins you could call it. It's actually very draining to lose one's temper. Sometimes though, it's really all an act. I'm not actually as angry as i make myself out to be. Sometimes i can simply just 'vibe' a bad mood signal to them without actually saying a word. Hah. Anyway, the point is, as i looked at my cards, i'm glad that at least some do appreciate me as a teacher. That gives me a little more fuel to run the race. I dunno how long more i'd be in teaching, but i need all the 'petrol' i can get to even finish a year in this school. I'm tired... Can feel my eyebags even as i type...I think it's only after i came to this school that i feel i've been BORN with eyebags...

Another random thought, i'm glad for all those youngsters who are close to me somewhat. So....to all those youngsters out there...when i become a toothless old grandma unable to gallivant on the streets or prance about on badminton/tennis courts, please do bring me out for some sunshine or even to see YOUR youngsters prancing about and race me around in a wheelchair or something... K?? C??? you hear me???
 
06 September 2005
posted by j at 9/06/2005 03:39:00 PM

I wanna be here.....

 
02 September 2005
posted by j at 9/02/2005 11:29:00 AM

Today is a memorable day.

I lost my head and blasted a class for 2 entire periods. Punished them too, no less.

This class has been the bane of the lives of every single teacher who teaches them. Even i, one of the fiercest around, have problems dealing with them. This is a class who has made teachers cry and enjoyed doing so. The same class who has students with the audacity to hurl vulgarities at teachers. A class who induces teachers to throw up their hands in despair because nothing seems to work and teaching anything seems an impossible task. A class who has damaged school property, played truant, stolen things, absented themselves more than just frequently and have hence been punished in every possible way and yet...

I tried the soft approach, mixing it with the hard approach. I'm not sure if the soft approach worked at all on their hearts. I tried to be approachable and understanding, and some did open up, albeit to complain about the 'authorities'. (That's probably the only thing we have in common)And every time i think there might be some headway, they'd do something to make me think i wasted my time and i was just a fool to even cut them any slack. Sometimes its almost as if i hear their jeering voices at the back of my mind, laughing at my naive attempts to reform them, laughing at my stupidity in believing maybe i can change something. Dunno wat to believe.

Today, as i made them gather in the hall, i hoped that the last day of the term would not end on a bad note with this class. But u know wat, it did. They simply WOULD NOT SIT DOWN! Can u believe that it is an uphill task just getting them to do something so simple? No amount of yelling would help. Soon as u make one sit down, the rest would be up and about, playing catching and totally lost in their own world of fun. And it goes on. I can never win. Not when there are 30 of them and 1 of me. So, i lost it. I abandoned thoughts of having any semblence of a lesson and concentrated on telling and showing them exactly what i thought of their atrocious behaviour. For almost an hour, i concentrated on making them sit in their rows and crossing their legs like good students should. I barked at anyone who sat facing in other directions or who did not cross their legs or did not keep quiet. I made offenders race round the hall within 10 seconds after which they had to pay the penalty of doing many pushups for running slowly. Only after these, did i manage some sort of silence and obedience from them. And i only needed to glare at them henceforth when they crossed ANY sort of line. I did not even allow anyone to roll their eyeballs at me. I blasted the only guy who dared to do that with me.

Was so angry at one point of time, that i told them exactly what i thought of their behaviour over the year. I told them that i was sick and tired of all the shit they'd been giving me, as well as all the other teachers, and that if they were only capable of producing shit, then they were effectively just assholes.

Thus said, my anger abated somewhat. So I gave them a chance to redeem themselves. I wanted them to show me that they could follow instructions promptly, just like any other class. And so, they raced from one end of the hall to the other and back again to their respective seating positions within 10 seconds, twice. Only then were they free to return to their classroom. But not before i warned them threateningly that i would watch their every step back to their classroom. Hmph!

Feel so drained now...